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aggravated these past couple weeks have been meh..could be alot worse...been workin alot...lookin for another job...trying t spend time with my pandy bean before he leaves Sat morning, :( went to see 40 yr old Virgin,my treat...was good shit..very funny..wouldnt mind seeing it again actually...he took me to Chipotle again...yummy tacos...yummy food...since my diet consists of nada but salads,cigs, water and ice cream...it was nice to eat real food...i dont know...why am i fucking up my diet again...maybe its my mind trying to make me lose wait...by like making me not remembering to eat...whatevr...i need to lose this weight, this pudge has to go...still need to get my hair did...gah..i look like a treasure troll on crack... -_- i feel so UGLY!! DAR! im a fuzzy,fat...crack head looking pierced up, tall retard...i am not happy with myself..no..no i am not..x_X ...i need a hug...this job is ok my pacheck should be nice...i did a lot of other ppl's shifts...so extra money...need to get sneakers...and like some skirts or something..gonna buy the posters hopefully after work...that'd be good...hopefully chris picks me up from work like he said...i tried calling him but no answer...i felt sad this morning and wanted to hear his voice...damn him, he made me so girly and vulnerable to all these emotions...and shit that i hate...damn him, damn this lovey-dovey shit,listening to radiohead now...soon gonna try to sleep gotta work in the morning..payday friday..yay! i love hearing that...money i earned..makes me happy...i like having a job...makes me chipper...gotta do school..must finish school...when i stop being lazy... must do that...i bought deftones' adrenaline...i like it...yay!! need to go cd and dvd shopping...need to work on my collection...
...chris' mom is a meanie..i still cant get over the fact she told him that she hopes he finds someone pretty at purchase, and how im not good for him...why do ppl say that about us...like my sperm donor, that teacher at banneker, his mom, my mom, my sperm donor and that teacher said im too mentally unstable for him...and how i am negative energy..for chris..like dzamn! motherfuckers never have nice shit to say about me...like look at chris and that fucked up pierced brown chic...nah we dont like her with him, cause she's not all there in the head...damn...im not that bad of a person...i mean fuck...i know im not a fucking 10..no even a 7 but shit..dont judge me without knwing me or sitting down and talking to me...shit everyone has issues...should i not be happy cause of them? shit! and damn mamma faber...so quick to say somethin about being dark when u are darker than me...i mean i was s respectful around her..and she insults me...shit...and ppl who dont like me that dont know me..its like well fuck u too! cause i bet u aint no prince or princess...just cause u dont look like me..so quick to judge me...tell me how negative of a person i am...and how bad my aura is...i liked MS COOK..but fuck her! whatever..ppl are evil...
......IM GETTING FAT...I need to change my diet..when chris leaves..there will be a major change with myself...i need to stop this self-loathing ive been doing..its killing me inside..its like no matter what i do..eat,not eat,gain weight,lose it..im never fucking happy with myself...i hate it..this unbalanced selfimage i have of myself..its eating at me...these past couple days its like everytime i eat...i think abot puking..and when i did the day before yesterday..i was happy..but i dont want to go back to doing that again...im confused..i just want to be happy with myself once in my life, like atually look in the mirror and say i love what i see...gah...I HATE IT!! .....I HATE THESE STUPID FUCKING TIMES...THESE STUPID FUCKING THOUGHTS..THESE EMOTIONS...THESE STUPID TEENAGE GIRL ANTICS...GROW UP AMA...BE HAPPY! WHY CANT I JUST FUCKING BE HAPPY! IM SO CONFUSED...GHDGHJVG,ZSDGF...im gonna go ball up and think about rainbows....later
August 25 2005, 15:47:27 UTC 6 years ago
hey ama
dont beat yourself down for any of that, ok girlie? fuck what his mom thinks about you because she has no place in your relationship. she has no choice but to accept you and chris for what it is: two people who love and care about eachother. he knows you're a good person and that is what matters most because at the end of the day, you have him. its like i told you, wayne's mom doesn't like him and i together and she hopes he finds himself a nice ole korean girl to bring home n marry. trust me i know that hurts to hear when the mom says things like that about you, so i understand what you feel...but don't let it rain on your parade. i don't let it get to me, and you should do the same cuz she doesnt matter. she doesn't make chris feel anything less for you, right? so fuck that dumb whore. she'll accept you. she HAS to sooner or later. and she will. plus, what kinda girl will he find at purchase? vanessa? you have nothing to worry about.as far as you getting fat...blame ben and jerry. =P and they're good ice cream. but seriously, youre hardly fat. what you see in the mirror isnt pudge. you dont need to lose wieght or starve or anything. you just need balanced nutruition and a healthy diet. try being more physically active. excercise and what not. working at the store really does a number on your eating habits. im so used to not eating anything since i really started working a lot of hours. you see that ice cream is the ONLY thing i eat all day, right? unhealthy fattening ice cream puts weight on your body and not eating right and not staying fit helps everything sit around. i went a few days with no food and only ice cream and water at one points. its not good at all. i'll give you a Press Toast menu so you can order food and get it delivered to the store so you can have some chicken avocado. mmmmm mmmm.
dont let negative thoughts eat you from the inside. everytime you feel the way you do, just tell yourself you'll get over it. give it your all to not let yourself fall back into what you were before. chaotic lifestyles tend to do that. but nothing can change unless you truly want it to. that has to start with you. as far as getting back into school, my mom knows a guy who is running a GED program, we can check that out. once you get that out of the way, things will be much easier in life. but nothing can be done unless you show the initiative and the desire to better yourself and get your life on the right track. when youre ready for everything, let me know ill get some info for you.
see you soon ama! mwah!
August 25 2005, 17:28:24 UTC 6 years ago
August 25 2005, 17:31:48 UTC 6 years ago
Love ya!
August 25 2005, 23:25:16 UTC 6 years ago
August 26 2005, 01:41:09 UTC 6 years ago
ARGH !!!
stop being all womanly this is FAT: